Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
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Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Seems legit
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Life with a cat in one tweet
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.