instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
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Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Haha good job!!
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.