Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
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NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
#dnd #ttrpg
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
What even happened today?
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
My background check bounced.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!