Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
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When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Scream sneezers need love too.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.