@MarieLoerzel

Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.

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@lawyerthoughts

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”

@thatcarlygirl

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

@GrantTanaka

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT

@Parentpains

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

@internetluke

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

@spark_asis

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

@WheelTod

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.