Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
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When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.