Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.

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If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.


Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”


“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.


Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure


I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.


TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?


I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”


I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.