Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
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Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
We’ve come full circle
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf