Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
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next time i open up to someone is during surgery
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy