Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
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Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.