Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
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My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Yup
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
One venti cheeseburger please.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?