Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
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This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house