Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
You Might Also Like
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
He’s cranky this morning
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?