Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
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If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot