Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

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Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over


My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while


Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell


Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”


My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.


I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/


The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.


A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.


My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.


I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.