Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@mattgallo123

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

@LIWIKZ

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

@Birdhumms

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

@QueenVofCoffee

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

@AudreyPorne

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

@Jeffwni

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

@SamGrittner

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

@NYC_Blonde

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

@annadrezen

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

@Paxochka

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.