instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
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No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
True story 🤣
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”