Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.

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ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.


I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard


Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…


FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill


Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?


married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me


do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots


I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.


Enter password:


sorry password must contain a special character