ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
You Might Also Like
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
sorry password must contain a special character