Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
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I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
This has made my week.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving