Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
That’s easy for you to say
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
A little too much information.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn