Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
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Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Saturday
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.