Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
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she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me: um… Coldy
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people