@BlindVigil

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

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@ADHDeanASL

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

@jonnysun

she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH

@Token_Geezer

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

@Cornjerker78

Me: You ate radishes.

Friend: How can you tell?

Me: You’re burping them.

F: They were really good radishes.

Me: Not from where I’m standing.

@RidiculousSheri

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

@MicheleAKALips

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

@MelvinofYork

Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy

@NikiWithIssues

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

@lazerdoov

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people