@Storminika

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

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@sixfootcandy

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.

@SteveSuckington

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

@ThePoke

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides

@Brettagher

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

@Cpin42

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

@Ygrene

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

@1evilidiot

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

@sarcasticmommy4

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

@DevilryFun

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

@MumInBits

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister