Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
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“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister