Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
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amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it