Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
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[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I like long walks away from everyone
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
True
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.