instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
You Might Also Like
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
the icebreaker
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now