instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
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Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
this is the news I live for
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
there’s probably a fee though
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.