Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
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Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE