Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
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What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.