Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
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Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Pretty much! 😂👀
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
If looks could kill
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.