Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
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once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.