“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
You Might Also Like
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Still laughing at this stupid meme
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now