Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
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[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Guy who likes music
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
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Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
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You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”