INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
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[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
May never get over this
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Ummm
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.