Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
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NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
I unironically love this joke.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.