INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
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Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway