Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
You Might Also Like
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader