@sixfootcandy

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

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@XLToast

Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?

Stranger: He’s over there!

Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]

@tastefactory

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

@Cheeseboy22

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

@AnkCoupleTO

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

@0point5twins

My ex left because I “lack imagination”.

“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.

@KalvinMacleod

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

@GibJimson

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

@thefishpants

If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody

@OctopusCaveman

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome