Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
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Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.