[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
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Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.