Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
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Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
i will not be silenced
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
good morning
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?