@causticbob My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
@kornelski Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
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@causticbob 
@ArfMeasures BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
@noog Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
@DamonHunzeker If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
@dafloydsta ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
@clichedout her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
@DearAuntAbby I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
@NotKarma Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
@djdarrellripley Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
@LizHackett When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.