Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

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My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.


BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day

ME: Thanks boss!

BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon


Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.


If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.


ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?


her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever


I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.


Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.


Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.

Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.


When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.