@kornelski

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

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@causticbob

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.

@ArfMeasures

BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day

ME: Thanks boss!

BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon

@noog

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

@DamonHunzeker

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

@dafloydsta

ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?

@clichedout

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

@DearAuntAbby

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

@NotKarma

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

@djdarrellripley

Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.

Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.

@LizHackett

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.