[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
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In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
giddy up Office Depot
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer