[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
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Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
scrabbled eggs
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.