Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
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I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.