@RexHuppke

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

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@PretendMaker

A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too

@UnicornSyrup

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

@TheAndrewNadeau

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

@palokin

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

@rickygervais

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

@uncalmable

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

@loribuckmajor

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

@Shen_the_Bird

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

@NYC_Blonde

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.