Interior design đź‘Ś
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All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea