Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
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Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.