Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
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(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.