Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
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i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Make new friends? bro out of what?
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
*frowns in Scottish*
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it