Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
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What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !