*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
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Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
my professor scared me for a second
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me