[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
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Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
🙂🙃🥹
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.