[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
You Might Also Like
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?