[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
You Might Also Like
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet