[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
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Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Holy shit he’s back
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
how to market bottled water to dads
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing