*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
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Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”