[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
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I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.