[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
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Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
“OMGJK” -atheists
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?